Well its that time of year - wedding season! I have already performed two weddings this summer and I am on sabbatical. This past winter/spring I was counseling 12 different couples planning to get married. This has been one of the most benefical aspects of pastoral ministry. In a real sense you are molding and shaping two lives and making a significant impact on the future of a family. This past year i realized that one of the underlining reasons that Newsong has grown and has the depth that we have is because of the major investment that has been made towards all our young couples desiring to get married. In addition, i recognized that my standard for marrying a couple might be preceived as "over the top" -- but in the end has remarkable results. here are the marks of our premarriage process.
1. We call it "Pre-commitment Counseling" primarily because we expect a couple to come to us before they are engaged. Once a couple has a ring and starts picking a date, you can not properly give them the counsel or start to address issues in their relationship. Once the date is set, the pastor/counselor has a gun to his head. I have seen couples get after their problem areas because they want to get engaged and there is no external pressure on them -- like a mother wanting to order the invitations or schedule the photographer. This simple standard of starting the counseling before engagement has been brilliant!
2. We have anywhere from 13-16 sessions with each couple. If I am meeting with a couple every 2-3 weeks, this means our process will take 8-10 months. Time is a good thing. You can mircowave marriage preparation; it is a crockpot approach!! Sessions involve taking a compatability survey, watching teaching videos, standard sessions that I have given each couple and wedding planning. The most benefical aspect of the process is the discipline of a couple meeting with me and having someone ask - "what's happening; how are you doing; how can i sort out the latest discovery in your relationship that has you all upset!"
3. Each couple must make a commitment and begin to build into their relationship a serious involvement in church life. Both must be baptized and members of a local church. If its NewSong great -- but some church! And not just that, involved in Sunday school, a small group, serving in ministry and have made a significant contact with someone in leadership. Over the years, I have discovered that most Christians who get divorced have not been connected significantly to a church. They have little relational connectiveness, know one in leadershi knows them and the church is not willing to step in and rescue them. This is a fatal mistake.
4 They must be willing to declare the words in their vows - "forever removing the option of separation or divorce..." Trust me I get some wide eyes looking at me from the congregation when the bride and groom repeat those words. But Christian couples can make that promise and if they can't say it -- I won't marry them. A matter of fact, my first major session with a couple is doing a personal Bible study on the issue of divorce and remarriage and I ask them to come up with their personal belief statement on the issue. Then we go to the Bible and look and understand what God really said! They are shocked to find out that for two Christians -- there are NO options. It is marriage, fixing a marriage problem or death do us part!! If divorce occurs -- discipline follows -- that is why a good church connection is so important!
5. Finally, I teach, believe and expect that the couple is committed to a Biblical view to the marriage roles. The Bible is clear, the husband is the spiritual head and leader and the wife is the submissive servant. She is NOT a doormat, but she is expected to allow him to lead. And in his leading, he is expected to love and encourage her extravagantly! This means they must master the "Love and Respect" principle. Emerson Eggerich has written the best book on marriage communication and the difference with men and women and how they work out these Biblical roles - they are to love and respect each other (Ephesians 5:33). In a day that young women have been taught "that they are woman hear them roar..." and not to let the man get the upper hand and the most important thing to can gain in a relationship is respect -- most women struggle with "showing their husband the respect that he NEEDS and deserves." And most men are so self-center and still caveman like, in is hard for them to learn the art of loving here especially in her "language" (there is the second most important marriage book - Gary Chapman's Love Languages). Once couples learn the love and respect secret it will transform them.
That is our distinctives when it comes to getting couples ready for marriage. I know it sounds old-fashion and even nazi-like! But it works!!! Just look around our church and see the fruit of this crucial work. It has been another level of discipleship in our church. The other proof is most of the counseling I do with married couples are people who I did not marry! Love is in the air -- I want it to smell like the beauty of spring and not like fresh laid manure!